I sit here in tears, conflicted in emotion, twisted in thought, and feel compelled to write, although I have no specific direction to head with this. I weep, why? Our oldest, autistic son has been staying with his grandparents these past two days…
For two days, we have experienced “normal”. For two days, my mind has been able to complete a thought because I was not interrupted every 30 seconds. For two days, there have been moments of quiet within our home. For two days, we have smiled and laughed more than we have all week. We joined and easily fit into a new church homegroup with other families. We have been free to be. Free to think. Free to play. Our other two boys are calmer. Our other two boys listen to me and respond to me without intense reaction. The giggles, the smiles … precious. Our stress level is low. Our life is relaxed, almost tranquil; but there is an emptiness, attached with that, a painful, twisted reminder…Logan.
Now, that statement in itself makes me feel like a pile of crap. What mom attaches “painful and twisted” to her son? Who does that? Me, an autism mom. Me, a PANDAS mom. Me, a Lyme Disease mom. Me, a Babesia mom. Me, a tired, broken, broke, stressed out, worn out, lonely, sad mom. Me. I do.
I love Logan. He is loved by all of us. But it is a HARD love. It is a sacrificial love. It is an often times life-sucking love. I love Logan.
But I am broken; and soaked with tears, because these past two days have been a dream, a fairy tale version of the Godfrey family, at which I will wake up from at 6:00 PM, Today! And so, here I am in tears. Not wanting this version of us to end, twisted over it, and also missing our boy. Twisted and broken that God allows the pain, the heart ache, the illnesses, the lack of hope, the lack of healing, the stress to continue. I am broken in trust for doctors, I am broken in trust with relationships, including my relationship with God. More often than not jealousy, anger, and bitterness consume me over what others are blessed with and what our God has allowed to be taken from us.
How do I continue to praise my Almighty God. King of Kings. Lord of All. The Almighty Healer … when He doesn’t heal. He doesn’t heal He doesn't heal our son! He doesn't resurrect our family! But I believe He can! And only He can. He can raise the dead! ... surely he can heal our son if He wants to. It is core of my faith! But He continues to not Heal our son. He permits hardship for our family. Building, growing hardship. I always try to recommit to hope. To trust. I want to. I do, but I am broken and guarded. One can only take so much pain. So much disappointment.
The grass is greener on the other side of Autism.
Typical …. Typical families. Their existence has to be so different then ours. I have nothing to go on except the past 2 days since Logan is our oldest. Atypical is all we know. But this temporary "typical", it was like a fresh breeze on a sunny beach day. Easy. Carefree. And all that is about to change, at 6:00.
I want to embrace Logan. I miss him. His brothers miss him. Michael's thoughts have Logan circling them ... We love Logan.
I am crazy, sitting here, crying, loving what is our temporary existence, missing what is reality, longing for better, trying to settle and be content with what is, fighting for it all to make sense! I have been called many things, some good, some bad… but crazy about somes it up. I am tired. Twisted with emotion. Broken by the twists, the conflicted heart. The heart that longs to find reason to hope. The heart that surrenders and begs for God’s healing. The heart that aches to be content with His plan. The heart that bleeds for normal.
I love Logan. I want so much more for him than this life has to offer. So I will continue to hope ...pray ... endure the crazy I have become.